He loves completely

God is amazing.....I shouldn't be amazed.

No matter how lost we feel, He knows where we are and how to lead us out of the mire.

He has given me such a gift in the last few weeks. He prompted a friend to invited me to a class...I said I had to think about it. While I was "thinking" two other people suggested BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) to me....this was the class that I was "thinking" about.

Confirmation of 3....He seems to always follow it. So I asked some follow up questions. Where is the class you attend, when? Monday nights, at a church in New Brighton...hearing the name of the church floored me. It is the same church where my tiny private school rented the Sunday school classrooms. This was where my foundations were laid. Where I learned to read from bible stories. My grammar lessons were scriptures, history lessons were on the Reformation....Martin Luther, Wycliffe, Knox...Huss. This is where I was introduced to God and He was a part of everything I learned.

I went to the introduction night. Just being in that building was surreal. I grew up in that building (prek-4th grade)...I was amazed at how little had changed and yet how massively my perspective had changed. Things looked smaller, the darker corners that were once scary places begging to be explored were now just rooms and hallways. But in a situation where I would have been nervous, anxious, self-conscious...I was totally at peace, comfortable. It was like being a kid again....and the first chance I had I was running around that building just like one.

My first real class was this last week. When I met my group leader and followed her to our room.....I again was amazed and silenced by God's provision. My group meets in the room where my school met. How awesome is my God who draws me back to my foundation to rebuild me up from my roots in the same soil I was first planted in.

My God is cool. My God is great. My God is creative in how He loves me...woos me to Him.

I am grateful to be His child.

When you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. ~ Jer. 29:13

The deep end...

Yesterday I sent off three long emails. All three were similar, a little copy and paste, but each one was on the same subject....the same conflict. Where I am in my prayer life, walk, journey and how I am identifying that my church has helped to get me here.

So far the responses have made me smile (from multiple I love you's in the same short email reminding me of the "warrior" that I am) and have inspired me with the depth of perception and understanding ("If there is value in the struggle (and I'm confident there is), you are positioned to benefit greatly from allowing Him to guide you into some depths and desert experience for this season of your relationship with Him and to learn greater truths about your role in the relationships He's placed around you. Despite the pain, especially relationally, there is no such thing as a wasted experience. It really does seem to be about learning, especially for one like my friend Alex, who dives to the depths and returns to tell about it.") I mean wow. This a seriously wise and articulate friend, don't you think?

The imagery of diving to the depths and returning to tell about it.......that says SO much to me. Sometimes the perception of ourselves needs to be turned on it's ear. While I'm not a woe-is-me personality and I am fully aware that I am a learner who doesn't like the shallow end of the pool.......it is somewhat amazing to me that someone sees these things in me. But more than that this image is empowering. It tells me that not only does life send me deep but that I'm purposeful about moving with it instead of against it. "Diving" says to me that there has been preparation prior to the dive, that the diver has been equipped to observe and learn from the experience......but also that this diver always resurfaces with purpose. In my mind I visualize a diver breaking the surface of the water bursting with excitement to share what they have seen and give a detailed account of the journey.... Is that me? I've never really thought of myself that way......but as I contemplate that.....maybe it is true. I've never learned a lesson I haven't wanted to share....I've never been through and experience I've wanted to hide... Self-perception turned on it's ear.

What caused such a response? My lament that a string of events at our church started a ball rolling for me that drew me into a place where I was overly confident...of my own abilities, skills, strength and self awareness....I became puffed up and arrogant feeding on the compliments of others who saw me as special or out of the ordinary. Now I will admit that I am out of the ordinary and my life has been anything but ordinary......but in God's family there is not one of us who is more special than the other. Not one of us is gifted more powerfully than another.....in our human, blinded, insecure perception it sometimes seems that way but that is not the reality. When I started here this is how I carried myself with the confidence that I was a child of God like every other. I spoke with confidence in my own gifts and experience but not as if it was anything special.....it was just me being me expecting to be treated as any other person, unaware that what I said and shared was new to those I was speaking to. What I learned was that our church is....I'm struggling to find the right word here......there are a string coming to mind.....ignorant, innocent, unaware, unaccepting, afraid, intimidated, blinded, shielded......to the deeper more spiritual things that God has to offer. While well intentioned in it's seeker friendly, discipleship focus it seems to be stuck near the surface with safe sermons and running like your tail is on fire from temptation. While I don't disagree that temptation should be avoided in many situations, it can also be used to stretch us, grow us and help us to conquer those temptations by developing our strength. If we run from challenge every time we face it.....well, you end up just...running. Where is the point in that?

While I know it's not healthy for me to just bash what I see is wrong...that kind of focus doesn't get anyone anywhere either......what I see sends me the message loud and clear that I don't belong. I took a class several years ago at our previous church that was about finding your spiritual gifts so you could see more clearly how to plug in to a ministry in your church. The purpose was to help people figure out what their passion is and connect it with what their spiritual gift(s) are so that people are not randomly plugging into ministries that will drain them and burn them out because they are working against how God wired them. It's designed to prevent the classic "20% of the congregation doing 80% of the work" syndrome. It works incredibly well too. BUT the problem is that the leadership where we are now probably wouldn't support this kind of ministry because well......they seem to steer away from anything relating to the Holy Spirit and tend to have more the attitude that He's the "Holy Ooogidy Boogidy Ghost".

God is a naturally super natural God. There is no escaping this. Nor is there anything creepy or wrong with it. NATURAL is the operative word there. Having come from a church where conversations share openly about God's divine intervention, provision, visions and words are an important part of a close personal relationship with Him and are a part of the normal flow and culture......its strange being in a house of God where these things are not only not part of the culture or conversation but they seem to be feared and frowned on.

When I found out what my gifts were it gave me a whole new sense of purpose, a whole new connection to God's love for me and the reality that He really did create me, sculpt me and construct me with purposes in mind. Not only did I have purpose but I felt I was here on purpose......He made me on purpose and I was no longer wandering aimless in life wondering why on earth I was here...on earth.

What really makes me sad is that my new church drew me away from that. Instead of feeling embraced and accepted I felt a spotlight on me that built my ego, instead of exclamations of "Wow isn't God Awesome!" I often heard "You are amazing/gifted/talented" etc. It is never me. It is always God working through me. But my arrogance was fed and led me to lean on my own understanding instead of leaning on Him. I began to depend on how good I was instead of how good He is. I started to count on the gift instead of the Gift Giver.

The snowball rolled down the hill gently at first, slowly gaining momentum until eventually I stopped consulting Him. My mantra turned from "Its not about me" to "Its ALL about ME" without me even being aware of it.

So much pondering over the last months and so much thinking and turning the situation over in my mind, turning things around to check them from different angles......temptation is one thing but being in environment that doesn't embrace, encourage, support and provide opportunities for your walk to improve and grow closer to Him.....isn't this something we are to avoid? When we have relationships that threaten to pull us from our walk, biblically are we not supposed to walk away from this toxic situation? That has been my understanding.....that your core group is not supposed to pull you from your walk and Relationship. My church is supposed to be the core of my core, isn't it? The safe place? The home away from Home? It isn't. It feels thick with opposing forces there. So there too inlays the conflict.......is it time to go and leave an unhealthy place or am I called to battle to help defend a house that has no idea it's under attack....and chooses to be blind to learning if they are? Or is my overwhelming need to leave God's silent tug on my heart that it's time to go and my purposes there have been fulfilled? Maybe its someone else's fight...

Interesting conundrum wouldn't you say?

I don't like the shallow end of the pool. I feel like I've been stuck there way too long and it's crowded with those who are all to comfortable to stay. I want to be in the deep end......where it's freeing, exhilarating and there is room to dive deep and return to tell about it.....because it's God who is my lifeline....it's Him who keeps me buoyant but He also dives right along side me...always. In the wide open vastness of the deep end, there is an intimacy like no other.

"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." ~ Romans 12:2

sick....

For the first time in a year, I'm sick. This is both a good realization that my healthy eating and vitamin regimen has really kept me healthy and a whole new experience of being sick without being able to use over the counter meds.

I'm taking an herbal "Wellness formula" to help fight off this cold that came on SO quickly. 3 smelly giant sized horse pills every 3 hours, tea to help my scratchy throat, cough drops and Mentholatum.

Blech.

Well, it's a learning experience. Now I'm learning about how to get through an illness naturally.

So you think you have food allergies......final intallation

It's time to find a new normal.

That doesn't come quickly or easily. There are some stages of grief that happen, dramatic as that sounds... You'll have moments when you start to question if it was really the food....or maybe now that you feel good you can go back to eating whatever you want. Maybe....your cured. I've had these moments and also given in to them....I'm sure that you will too. It's a part of adjusting and making this a reality. Like anything it's a learning process.

There are a few things that I did that made things easier though.

I made a printable alphabetized list of every ingredient I needed to eliminate. I gave a copy to family members, I made a small version for my purse/wallet so I'd always have a copy with me (I also made one for my husband so that if he needed to pick something up for me he would know what to look for), I put a copy of this list prominently on the fridge. I made a list of every restaurant I could think of and went to each website checking their menu to see what I could possibly eat. On this list I have the restaurant name and the specific item on the menu that I can eat. Many restaurants have good detailed nutrition/allergy pages but many don't. Ironically the very best sites (down to each ingredient) are the fast food restaurants.

It's a long and frustrating process, I got quite mad at the food industry. Especially Applebee's whose allergen link simply said .......hmmm....as I just went to the site to quote it correctly, they now have NO nutritional information available of any kind. They used to have basic information geared more toward the dieter, and a statement that said something to the effect of 'Sorry if you have food allergies, consider your choices carefully". Well, gee thanks.

So for me I have two restaurant lists in one - a "Don't bother going here" list and the other list I described.

For me, it took months before things felt "normal". I got used to not going out to eat - actually that saves us tons of money and generally its healthier because we are cooking for ourselves. Socially things were a difficult adjustment. It's awkward bringing your own food to things and it's not exactly pleasant telling someone you can't go out to eat with them unless you go to a restaurant that you can eat at. People generally are sensitive and understanding, most of the time the awkwardness will just be you or in your head.....it's easy to get a bit paranoid that you are putting people out. I admit that I'm still not all that comfortable in that area. But it's a bit easier than it used to be....I don't think I'd go into full blown panic at this point.

You have to find what works for you. Develop tools that fit your allergy that will allow you to live as unhindered by it as possible. Find alternatives to your favorites.....explore new options.

My beverage choices are seriously limited so I've learned to enjoy green tea.....something I wouldn't have before. I've found an ice cream that I LOVE (Trader Joe's ultimate chocolate) and Kettle chips are awesome!

Investigate. Search and be patient. It will feel normal. It will feel natural. It just takes time to not feel like work. Once you are there, you will feel healthy and energetic and strangely enough......all that stuff you can't have, won't look so good anymore. :)

I am still in the land of the living!

I did not disappear.

Last week got away from me and all this week I've been thinking "gosh I've gone a week without posting! I need to do that...." AND now it's Thursday and I'm just getting around to it.

So what have I been up to? Last week I had a project to do. Hubby decided to present thank you baskets of baked goods to a company that he works with and is good to his clients. So he asked me if I'd do the baking.....SURE! No problem....I'll just bake some banana bread and a couple batches of cookies.....but I didn't think it through ahead of time. So last Tuesday afternoon (baskets to be delivered on Thursday) I thought to myself that there must be some mathematical way to figure out how much I needed...well there was and when I did I freaked out!

I had 8 baskets that needed to be filled to feed 38 people. So what did I end up doing? I spent all day, ALL DAY, Wednesday baking 10 loaves of banana bread and about 400 cookies.

Here's the final product!

A week or so earlier I'd gotten some vintage hand towels and sheets from my dad that had all been hand embroidered by either my grandmother or great grandmother (depending on the piece). I was so excited to have these neat little finger tip towels...most likely they'd be used for guest towels for holidays and such. There are so many I had enough to divide them between the two bathrooms and have two sizes for each. I washed them and ironed them so they are fresh and crisp. I had to take several pictures because there were so many!

Yes, those are hand stitches, each little line.

So that was fun and exciting. I felt very Donna Reed :).

I've been working with my new routine and so far it's working wonderfully but I have to admit that it is an adjustment. I'm an absurdly organized but totally random person so I find myself off doing something that just happened to catch my eye and then realize what I'm doing. So I then have to stop, put it away and tell myself that today is not the day for that, but it's coming. That has been a real challenge, to walk by something knowing I could do it now but if I do it now it defeats the purpose of my routine.

I'm not getting down on myself though, like anything it will take time to adjust and I've not even gotten through the whole 4 week routine yet so...I'm sure in a month or so it will feel more natural. For now I have to be purposeful and deliberate and check my list.

I did other things too like totally reorganize my shelves, received hand me down light fixtures (I LOVE how much light I have in my laundry room now!), containers, pegboard hooks and a nice sideboard buffet type piece that I love having in my dining area. That helped me remove some clutter from my kitchen counters. Oh yes and we needed to purchase a new fancy blender because the other broke with all the ice crushing I do for hubby's morning coffee coolers! Oh now that was a mess to clean up!

But for now I must go get dinner ready, Hubby is on his way home and there are things to clean up before he gets here.

I'll try to get back into posting regularly. :)

I will not forget.....

...the morning that I went quietly down the stairs to give my fussing 7 month old son a bottle. While my husband caught his few last minutes of sleep before needing to get up for work I sat on a garage sale find of a powder blue couch with little pink roses.....watching a beautiful but fussy boy guzzle away at his bottle. Tired from yet another sleepless night, I turned on the TV and wondered what movie it was....

A tall somewhat familiar building was burning somewhere....mention of a plane... It was a familiar sight so many movies used....which one was it? I kept watching trying to figure it out and thinking they'd really made things look realistic. I changed channels to see what else was on and there was nothing else. As my confusion made my mind swim I saw a plane fly into the next building...I felt my guts twist and everything deep within me fight to reject what I was seeing.

This was real. Here. In America? How? This was not a reality I'd ever encountered....this was something out of textbooks not.......real life? I could feel the panic swelling. The faces of the people broke my heart.....I could feel the fear in their eyes.....I looked at my son and thought about other new moms doing just as I was at the same moment in New York. I thought about the thousands of lives changing just that second.

The other thousands who were rushing into the danger to help the rest. My mind was racing through all the different angles and people and still having a hard time grasping that this wasn't some terrible dream.

I sat on that couch all day. Glued to the TV.....glued to my boy. Terrified of the world I'd brought him into. Knowing that the world he would know would be a very different one than I'd known as a child. I cried and cried that day and for many afterward. Still to this day.....I can't think of it without tears.

It was a day the world was united......stopped shoulder to shoulder to watch in shock.

I will not forget.

So you think you have food allergies......4

I feel myself coming out of it. The fog lifts slowly but as it does, life and all that's in it looks more lovely than before.

Doing the Elimination Diet -experiences, frustrations, observations

I've touched on this a bit already but I should probably go into it a bit more. Two weeks seems like a short time period until you add restrictions..... No Doritos's, corn syrup, wheat etc for two weeks.....No TV for 2 weeks. It begins to feel like you are grounded. Everywhere you turn there are temptations. It's the beginning of having a whole new take on food. I felt like food controlled me instead of the other way around. Every moment my mind was thinking about it, what will I eat next...what if I messed up and missed an ingredient? I did, but it turned out okay anyway and I ended up learning that 3 of my original ingredients were connected...lol Oops!

One big thing I began to become more and more aware of (and still this bothers me a bit but I'm working on it) is that no one seems to be able to gather or celebrate anything without food being a part of it......well, not just a part but seemingly the whole focus and reason for getting together. My guess is that you will go through this too if you are having food issues. If you've ever been on a diet you've at least dipped your toe in the pool of it.

When you are on a diet there's that "I'll have to have a plan" or "I'll just have a taste of things and then hang out by the veggies and dip". Some anxiety might accompany the thought because you've been working hard and you don't want to have to work off the extra calories. So imagine this with me:

You've been invited to a party by someone you know but not well, when you walk in the room and you see a beautiful table of desserts and dishes that someone has worked very hard to prepare one of your first thoughts may be "oh my, am I in trouble.....all this looks so good!!" Then you may look for just the most delicious morsels to taste so that you don't offend your host. You'll be able to tell them how sinfully wonderful things are, how you'd love to have more but...."watching calories, you know". They will nod and smile and appreciate that you at least had a bite.

When I enter that same room...my first thought is nearly the same as yours would be "wow, it all looks amazing!" Followed by a huge reaction to the smell......senses are heightened to things I haven't smelled in a long time. I usually look at the spread and think about how good it all would be, imagining how it might taste in my head because it's been so long. Then something in me twists around and this feeling of disappointment and frustration hits. First over the fact that I can't eat any of it....oh, but wait...there are my little friend the carrots...good ol standby. I can eat those but oh not the dip....I have no idea what's in it. So I think "hopefully I can manage to just look like I'm on a diet and munch on carrots so I don't direct any attention." I have to think about how to handle the conversation with the host who will graciously offer me many things....all of which I will most likely have to turn down.

BUT - here's that planning thing again - before the social gathering...

Fortunately I'm not starving.......I've eaten a full meal before I've left the house. Stashed almonds in my purse and made sure there is water waiting for me in the car just in case that wasn't an option at the party. I may even smuggle in a bottle of water in my purse.

If I go to a gathering at someones home that I know well, I bring my own food. Even easier - entertain at your own house and ask your company to bring a dish to share. I've found that those closest to me who are fully aware of the severe reaction I have (even if they don't seem to grasp the how or why and have no clue about how expansive my list of banned ingredients are) are understanding. It usually takes a few social gatherings for people to get comfortable. I find people feel guilty for eating things that I can't in front of me. Initially this made me feel worse - I don't enjoy that "spotlight" feeling - but time changes things.

During the elimination phase and the first months afterward I had a good sized fear of food. I avoided social situations (though I think this was a necessary part of gaining control of food and the fear) and in general didn't really want to talk about food at all. There were very few people who knew anything about what was going on with me. It was too much attention for me and I hid my pain. I'd become a bit reclusive due to the pain already so isolating myself during the elimination diet wasn't a stretch for me. I'm not saying that how I handled things was right or the way anyone else should handle it......I have kids that were patient and nurturing and I can't say enough about my amazing husband during this time. He was working full time and coming home to take care of dinner, dishes, kids, laundry......a whole host of things that I wasn't able to manage. I love you babe...

Anyway...I'm an introvert so the solitude wasn't hard for me. I look at it as part of my journey and everything has it's purpose there. But this is a peek into what my experience was.

Two weeks is not a long time but it will feel like a long time. Three days of eating your first suspected item will fly by......if you don't react...yay!!!! Write that down (I also kept the labels of the specific items so I could reference them later, just in case something else came up) and move onto the next item. Don't linger....keep going.

This process will be individual to you. Your feelings won't mimic mine but there are patterns of emotions that this process brings out. Go with it. This is a journey, a page in your life that one day you will look back on and see the changes it brought about in you. The way it molded you and strengthened you....it may just be food but this truly is a character building experience.

I'm here if you have questions. I'm here if you need someone to vent to who understands. i did this mostly on my own but I had two women with allergies who understood and listened.....I had others who just loved and listened even though the didn't understand.....and they prayed for and with me.

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I will help you" ~ Isaiah 41:13